A Lenten Examination of Consciousness for Married People

I like this stained glass window of the Cana Wedding: Jesus and Mary are in a bit of a huddle about the wine problem and the newly weds are looking over, perhaps nervous, expectant, hopeful. Jesus and Mary are helping them to get off to a good start.

Marriage is in trouble, they say. Indeed, in some parts of the world it is predicted that in the not too distant future, marriage will cease to exist. Speaking with a class of about thirty high-schoolers I asked how many of you come from homes where the parents are divorced or separated. All but three or four hands went up. 

Listen in on some Christian conversations and you'd think the greatest threat to married life is gay people and their hopes and dreams or their  radical agenda. But a seasoned husband and father of eight told me, "Marriages fail when someone is selfish."  And the lack of psycho-spiritual support married people receive from their churches is at least sad, if not galling, considering the time, energy and resources the churches otherwise spend on all the Defense of Marriage talk. 

So I've written an Examination of Consciousness for married people. Not an Examination of Conscience (which is looking for sin) but Consciousness: an alert awake-ness, out of which I might know myself better and from that place grow.

"What do you know?" someone might say. I'm a priest nearly thirty seven years; I've seen and heard a lot.

• Do I consciously pray each day for my spouse?
• Am I taking care of myself so that I can rightly care for my family? Or am I running on empty?
• Are we actively building and growing this relationship? Or have we resigned ourselves, even long ago, to living it out in a rut?
• Have we abandoned the holy project (which is marriage) for other concerns, demands and projects?
• Do I complain about my spouse to others, even strangers?
• When did I last say to my spouse, from a deeply felt place "I love you so much," or "I think the world of you."
• Am I moody or nasty-mouthed with my spouse? Do I belittle her/her? Are we more roommates than spouses?
• Am I self-pitying? A victim?
• Do I make threats, "If you don't...I'll..."  "You better...or else..."
• Do I think it's my job to change my spouse? Am I controlling?
• Are we an argumentative couple? Do we fight dirty? Do we punish each other with the silent treatment?
• Do the words, I'm sorry, stick in my throat?
• Do I burden my spouse in any way?
• Am I faithful to my spouse?  Is my heart faithful?
• Do I use sex to manipulate my spouse?
• Do I actively and stubbornly dis-like my in-laws?
• Am I a meddler?
• Do I carry around drama and complaint?
• Do I shirk responsibility?
• Do I take my spouse for granted? Do I use my spouse?
• Am I a blamer?
• Have I sided with my children over my spouse?
• Do I use a dirty or cursing mouth against my spouse in anger?
• Does this marriage need help? Are we in trouble? Do we procrastinate over working on problems?
• Do I live with a troubling secret to which my spouse has a right to know?
• Do I lie to and hide things from my spouse?
• Does alcohol (drugs?) impact the quality of my marriage?
• Can I say I'm really present to my spouse? Emotionally?
• Am I cheating my spouse in some way?
• Do I resent even the simplest requests my spouse makes?
• Do I go around my spouse being put out?
• Do I bring negative energy to my relationship?
• "Pick, pick, pick - you're always picking on him, why don't you leave him alone!" (or HER. From a very funny dinner scene in the Laurel and Hardy short, Twice Two).
• Is this marriage sacramental? Meaning: I am supposed to be my partner's first encounter with and experience of the love of Christ? 
• Would I dare to ask my spouse, "What do I need to change about myself to grow this marriage?" And then be still and only listen.